On my bed sits a stuffed rabbit that I have had for as long as I can remember. His fur, which used to be a pinkish brown color with a pink underbelly and white mouth and tail, is now matted down and has become dark with stains of ground in dirt. The white became brown long ago, and the fur has been rubbed into specific directions. This stuffed rabbit, Bunny, is more important to me than many people know. I have had Bunny for as long as I can remember. Back when I was younger, he was one of three animals that I would carry with me everywhere. My parents used to give him to me to calm me down when I was in an unfamiliar situation, and he has continued to do so ever since. Bunny, as insignificant as he may seem, has gotten me through eighteen years of life, and will hopefully get me through many more.
Every time I have ever had a bad dream, Bunny has been there for me. He always sleeps at my side, and whenever I have a nightmare, he calms my racing heart. I can squeeze him tightly, and it makes me feel better just to know that he is right there next to me. Even if he is not alive or important to anyone else, he has always calmed me down and allowed me to feel safe. Bunny also watches over me at night. Every time I have a bad dream and wake up terrified, I pull Bunny out from under my arm and put him on the pillow next to me. Even though it does absolutely nothing and he will not actually save me from anything, it makes me feel better to think that he is right there next to me, looking out for me and protecting me from any other bad dreams that might attempt to make their way into my mind during the night. After I have done this, I have always slept soundly through the rest of the night.
Even though I sleep with Bunny almost every night, I have left Bunny at home when I have gone on trips before. However, I can only leave him when I expect to have a good time. Since he has been with me for so long, I know that in special circumstances I am okay without him and that I have other people that will understand me and make me feel better anyway. I did not take him when I went to San Diego for a week this summer with my best friend, because I knew that I would be having a lot of fun and that even if something made me upset, my best friend would be there to cheer me up and make me feel better. I also do not take Bunny on family vacations for very similar reasons. I expect to have a very enjoyable time, and I know that if anything were to happen, my family would be there to calm me down. If something were to happen to me, however, I would automatically grab an object that I could squeeze and hold just like I do Bunny. I would act like he was there and most likely would still receive comfort because of the mental image that he would bring up. When I was younger, I could handle having any stuffed animal and it would not really matter which toy was in my arms. At this point, however, nothing can take the place of Bunny. The history between us runs deep, and he is the only stuffed animal that has consistently and routinely been next to me as I lie waiting for sleep to overtake me.
As much as Bunny calms me, he has also given me a lot of reassurance. Bunny placates me after these bad dreams and he lets me squeeze him tight as I cry. He calms my racing heart and allows me to relax as I hold him close. I honestly imagine him standing up to the characters in my dreams and telling them to leave me alone, and that image comforts me enough that I can stop crying. He also has gotten me through a handful of breakups that have really hurt me. He was there to listen to me vent about every bad thing that those boys had done to me. He has never judged me for any of my emotions or anything that I have been upset about, and he has always listened to me. He never told me that I was wrong or what I should be doing instead of what I was doing like many people had. When I went back and forth about my decision to end the relationship, he never tried to tell me that that boy was wrong for me or reminded me or any of the good or bad experiences I had gone through with the boy. He allowed me to think about both the good and the bad equally, and I needed that more than anything else, because I did not get that from any of my friends or even from my parents. He has always allowed me to go through any decision that I may make by myself, and he lets me make my own mistakes. This in and of itself has helped me more than any dream he has protected me from, because he has helped me to become my own person. Bunny has allowed me to see that in the end it is all up to me and that the popular decision is not always the right one, but no matter what, it is my decision and mine alone that matters. He has had many, many tears shed on him, and he has never complained about any of the abuse that I may have unintentionally asserted on him.
While I trust Bunny wholeheartedly, it is difficult for me to trust many people because I have been let down by so many people and have had many promises broken. I know that people lie to me and that I generally cannot take what they say at its face value. Therefore, I have learned to second guess a lot of my beliefs and a lot of what people tell me. I constantly am told that I need to lose weight, and the media does not help this belief. I have had a boy tell me that he loved me, but in the same breath tell me that he cheated on me. I have had every shred of self-confidence torn from me piece by piece by a boy telling me that he liked someone else’s hair or eyes or clothes better. I am told from just about every direction that I am not good enough; the media makes this fact obviously clear and the boyfriends that I have had have not always dispelled this idea. That is why it is so refreshing to me to be able to have someone or even something that will not judge me or tell me what I can or cannot be. I love the fact that Bunny will never let me down or put me into boundaries that I do not care to follow or live up to. Bunny provides me with relief and respite from many different events that happen in my day-to-day life.
One could say that Bunny has made me think in many different ways. While Bunny has always been there to love and protect me, my ideas of Bunny and his ways of protecting me have definitely changed over the years. When I was very young, I genuinely thought that Bunny could protect me from any possible evil that would come my way. I thought that even though he was a stuffed animal, he could come to life at night and protect me from anything that would be coming to attack me. I also thought that he could appear in my dreams and prevent any bad dreams from coming to me. I thought he could turn into a superhero, complete with cape, and could see bad dreams coming and would banish them from my room and my mind, so that I would not have any more. As I got older, I realized that there was no way that Bunny could come to life or protect my dreams like I had once imagined, but I knew that he could still watch over me and comfort me. He may not have been able to shield me from bad things that happen, but he was always there to make me feel better and still reassure me that things would be okay. I am not saying in any way that Bunny protects me from bad dreams still or that he is a superhero, but I feel much more comfort when he is there, because I know that I have someone there if I get frightened. Even if that just means he empowers me to take action on my own when he is in the room, that is a lot more than I would have ever been able to do without him. He allows me to feel like I can do anything, and it is because of this that I feel so much more comfort around him. While I have grown up and know enough to realize that Bunny will not protect me and is really nothing more than a stuffed animal, he has grown to be a comforter instead of a protector.
There was a transitional period where I had been unsure of myself and who I was, but no matter what happened to me, I knew that Bunny would always be there for me. Whatever my insecurities were and whoever was making fun of me that day, it would not matter, because I could run and hide in my sanctuary of a room and know that Bunny would let me be myself. I often looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw, or I would try to play basketball and know that I was not doing a very good job and was not good enough to get much playing time and would just run to my room. I knew that I could cry into his head and use his ears to wipe my tears away, and he would not judge me or look down on me because of my extra weight or lack of ability. I could have been 300 pounds and Bunny would not have cared, and that in and of itself helped me more than many people know. Even now, people tell me that I need to lose weight because I have diabetes on all four sides of my family, but I know that I can go to bed at the end of the day and still be completely accepted for who I am and for whatever I want to do or be. It is incredibly comforting to me that I will always be accepted with open arms and an open mind, and that I can always be myself around Bunny. I could act as ridiculous or as disgusting as I want, and I would still be okay in Bunny’s book.
Eventually, this led me to see that deep down in my core, Bunny reflects who I am. Bunny represents who I would be if I had no doubts or insecurities, and who I desire to be even now. I push all desirable qualities on Bunny, and he portrays the essence of me. This feeling and attachment runs so deeply, that I honestly cannot express exactly what Bunny means to me and how badly I desire to be what Bunny portrays. Bunny’s open acceptance of me, even though he is a stuffed animal, has gotten me through so many different time periods in my life, such as bad dreams in elementary school, extra weight in middle school, heartbreaks in high school, and so much more that I have lost count and do not know how much I owe him.
Bunny has always given me the relief I need. While many people may find this idea ridiculous or think that I am being unrealistic because I am personifying Bunny, he means the world to me. He has been there with me through thick and thin, and he has gotten me through many stages in life. Bunny gets me through bad dreams and bad days, and he has gotten me through many different times that I have cried, whether from boys, my friends, or my family. Bunny has been a truer friend than many people have ever been to me, and if I can help it, I will never let him go. He means more to me than many people would ever expect, and more than even I knew until I sat down to write this essay. Bunny is my favorite stuffed animal, and he will always have a lasting impression on my life, even if at some point I will ever have to give him up.